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That thing they do · 21 November 05

There is this thing my extended family do to me. I don’t see it coming, never spot the twist. It happens at family gatherings, just every now and then. We will all be sitting round, discussing something or other. Then somehow there is a shift, and the focus turns on me. All of the women draw together, as if they are one. It is as if they sense that I am speaking up in this discussion because it is something I care about. And so it becomes personal, an analysis of me. A criticism bombarding me from every side. I cannot defend myself; perhaps it would be better if I didn’t even try. Because to defend myself against their barbs would be to try and inflict just such wounds. To touch those nerves that I know are there. To say the things truths that would hurt them most… As they are hurting me.

I don’t even know for sure how it ends, so painful as it is to follow the memories through. Sometimes I think I get up and walk out. Sometimes my mother is there and finally manages to bring them to a halt. All I know is that the way it truly ends is with me curled up somewhere that noone can hear me, noone is near. And I cry and I cry until nothing is left, until finally sleep comes. When I wake up I feel as drained as I have ever felt in my life. All emotion gone, nothing but a shell. It takes weeks for me to regain a sense of self. Months for the memory to fade and some confidence to return.

My mother has asked them why they do this, though they never know quite how hard the slam was. Sarah is weak, they tell her. We say these things for her own good, to toughen her up against the world…

  1. Oh my gosh! that is mean, mean, mean… you know, i always thought extended family should be supportive and all, considering they are the same blood and so on… but seriously that concept is just so wrong… most of the time, people really don’t think beyond themselves regardless of how close a relative they may be… and seriously a lot of this happens among our families too, picking on us, criticizing, like we’re animals on display in the zoo… simply disgusting!

    Don’t even think about it (i know that’s really impossible), but seriously, you know they’re wrong and just there to hurt you, as long as you’re satisfied with yourself… it should be okay! :) :) :)
    — KS    Nov 22, 13:59    #
  2. Well you know what I think of you, so I’m not going to spend time saying how none of it is true etc etc etc, you should know that. There are other ways you can deal with it though.

    1) Attack. You know me, nothing arouses me more than a bit of verbal/written confrontation. OK, that’s not STRICTLY true, but it’s not that kind of blog :-) I’ve no doubt you have it within you to lash back. But it’s not really you, so this one’s a non-starter.

    2) Avoidance. Just don’t put yourself in that position. Create imaginary pets and friends and kill them at opportune moments to give yourself excuses to get out of those rooms.

    3) Divide & Conquer. Speak to them individually outside of these meetings. Tell them how you feel, but make sure to make it sound like it’s all the others, eg “I can talk to you, it’s the OTHERS that get me down”. And then if it happens again, pull out that alliance while they’re picking on you, saying “but I thought I could TRUST you, after everything you said about the others!!!” and turn them against each other. If you want lots of fun, do that to ALL of them and just pick and choose who to set against who.

    4) Laugh it off. It’s like talking quietly to someone who’s shouting at you, it’s THE most annoying thing. Sit there and laugh and say “oh, ok, yeah, that’s EXACTLY what I’ll do, thanks!!!” and just give the impression that their world-view does nothing but amuse you, even if it doesn’t.

    5) Confusion. Print off the blog entry, nothing that would allow it to be traced, and have it with you. And when they start it up, stand up, hand it to them, and walk out.

    But I’m a bad man. KS has it right, it’s about valuing your own view of yourself over everyone else’s. At the end of the day, what the fuck do they know??

    “I’m not afraid of anything in this world.
    There’s nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t already heard.
    I’m just trying to find a decent melody,
    A song that I can sing in my own company.”
    — AJS    Nov 22, 19:15    #
  3. HWB has written about the same problem. He has a great way to handle this type of situation.

    Me, I would label it as abuse derived from jealousy. I’m from the Cameron line, I know how I’d handle them.

    Now where did I leave my Claymore and that woad?
    — WepWaWep    Nov 23, 16:02    #
  4. wow. coming from a small and closely nit family, i thought growing up was tough because i felt i always had to proove myself against my older brother, but now that im older, i know i need never have done that.

    but this, this of whish you describe is quiet different. i have never had to deal with this, tho i have seen it been done to my family members by others, and yoe iv also seen the hurt, the pain and the pointlessness of it all.

    im afraid i dont know what to say to you dear, but please know im always here to listen, and offer a hand of help when ever needed. as are your other friends.

    please dont forget that sarah.

    lette XXX
    — lette    Nov 25, 14:37    #
  5. When I was reading the entry I was thinking about how jealous they are about you. Then I started thinking about how to write it in the comments… Thanx god Wep did it. And that is it honey. If they could, they would like to be you, since they cant they try to make you feel bad about being better than each one of them.

    BB.
    — Bruno Bastos    Nov 30, 15:03    #
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