- adapted from Douglas Adams
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(or catharsis from the past)
and back into history...
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Trying to find meaning where there is none to be found · 18 June 05
Have you ever tried to assess why it is that you like the people you like? For many of those that you choose to spend your time with, there are easy answers: you enjoy their conversation, their outlook on life appeals to you, their mentality is similar to yours, and so on and so forth. However, I am sure we all have friends for whom, if you step back and analyse the friendship, you cannot figure out what it is that underpins it. Of course this is not a bad thing – such diversity is the spice of life. But then maybe you have a couple of friends, or even just one, where not only can you not figure out what it is that you share, but rather, most of what is there seems to be negative.
I have a friend like that. Not one of my other friends can understand what it is that we share. To be fair, most of them only get my perspective on our interactions. But even when this is just pared down to the basic facts, the evidence is pretty damning. He constantly tells me that women are inferior, that my job is not valuable, that my priorities are messed up in life, that I lack direction, perspective, intelligence etc. He told my boss when I was looking at another job; if I ever contradict him, he accuses me of being passive aggressive; and the list continues. And yet, we are friends.
What my other friends do not see, of course, is the concern that he shows me when he sees that I am unhappy. They also do not see the suffering and the disappointment that he feels with his life in America. I know that I am the only person here he has opened up to, and seeing the depth of his regret tears into me. If I use this as an excuse to his accusers, they are quick to point out that is almost entirely self-inflicted. And they are right. But I would not wish such misery on anyone. The basis for a good friendship? Perhaps not, but there it is. He is leaving tomorrow, and I will miss him.
I’m the first one to get grumpy if anyone gets Psych 101 on me, but I can’t help it here.
No-one can really be as angry with such a miscellany of things as your friend is. I would guess (duh) that the anger comes from elsewhere but is just being deflected out to women, politics, other people’s priorities, lives etc.
This is how he manages to change his spots and come through for you when he sees you’re in need of someone. Cos THAT person is in there all the time, probably dying to get out.
So god yes, I can see how you would miss him, cos he obviously trusts you enough to show his vulnerable nice side to. But I can also see how other people probably don’t share your view, cos he won’t be the same with them.
The basis for a good friendship? It does sound like you yourself have a way through his walls, even if it’s initiated by him. So I would say it still has a good chance, but he has a bit of work to do. And if he learns to ditch the ‘doing everyone else down’ bit, who knows, maybe luuuuuuuurrrrvvvvvve.
Oh come on, I had to finish with something like that :p
— AJS Jun 18, 21:32 #